New Friends.
Ever looked up to younger self?
As I have been settling into my new home, I’ve started making new friends. And one by one, the question comes up, “How long are you staying?” It’s an ominous question because it sounds informational, but the answer holds more weight than your heart can prepare for. As they speak the answer, they’ve said dozens of times, the expiration date of your friendship is announced. You move on quickly, but there is a pang of fear, a sense of sadness to come, combined with the spark of possibility.
Even though some friendships could last a lifetime, you don’t know which ones will. That is where you play the risk out in your mind. Is it worth it? Is it worth diving into a friendship headfirst, blinded by the joys of childhood stories, tales of travels, sharing spiritual revelations, and feeling closer and closer by each interaction? As a rusty TCK, I know that when I find myself pouring out my soul to another, when we find ourselves vulnerably offering a piece of each other, we are actively accepting the grief to come. Sometimes it is verbally decided, other times it’s just understood. It is a quiet reality, adding a sense of depth to a friendship just beginning.
When I look to my younger self, I see bravery- a little person tossing caution to the wind, recklessly falling in and out of deep friendships. I see my little frame hugging tightly, whispering that I love them - saying “see you later”, avoiding “goodbye”, but silently knowing I may never cross their path in this life. I can feel the big emotions that only someone so small can hold graciously - bear the sadness yet continue to meet life each morning with anticipation. I see my eleven-year-old self, having a better grip on grief than my twenty-three-year-old self. I remember praying to God for new friends when they left one by one. I was praying for another chance to watch movies and whisper at sleepovers, another chance to rollerblade by the water together, another chance to make silly music videos, another chance to have a birthday party, another chance to share secrets we would swear to take to our graves. My younger self trusted God in a way I am now awe of as an adult. I knew He would show up. I knew He made it worth it. I knew He gave and took away. I knew He was good. I knew I could cry to Him. I knew He was listening. I knew.
I know. I know He will show up when my new friends leave. I know He will provide. I know He knows who could last a lifetime; I know that’s not something I need to know. I know I can cry to Him. I know He gives and takes away. I know He’s worth all the risk- I know He made my heart to love, my soul to be shared, my hands to hold others, my arms to hug tight, my voice to speak, my ears to listen. I’m made to know and be known by Him and by others.
I know He cannot change, yet He changes everything. He changes the way I love, the way I reach out, the way I comfort others, the way I grieve, the way I forgive, the way I take risks, the way I speak, the way I plan.
